Today marked my one month anniversary at Gracie Humaita in St. Louis MO. and so far things have been going well. I have learned so many cool things some on and off the mat. I have learned to let other people into my personal space, I have learned how to break closed guard, how to pass half guard, and some wicked arm bars (those I am the most excited about!) but tonight I learned something else, I learned that I cannot be afraid to fail. I have to try new things and not be afraid of being bad at those things until I find techniques that work for me and my unique style. The reason this lesson was so important is because not 30 minutes before this we were warming up for the women's class and we were doing a move called the "fireman carry" each of us girls picked up another girl and ran with her across the mat and back, and then switched. Well when it came time for the other girl to pick me up and carry me...she couldn't. I was "too heavy". For a girl this was like a huge punch to the gut, the words rang and rang in my head...too heavy....

she couldn't carry me. My self esteem deflated like an inflated balloon being let go...you know the type that makes the really loud fart noises as it jets all over the room only to land smack in the middle of the cake at the birthday party..wait...that's never happened to you? Oh....  Anyhooo I have been working and working on my weight and I am down 25lbs now but being that I started out fat, 25lbs only makes me less fat now, but none the less...still fat. So I have more work ahead of me. No I'm not fishing for compliments here, I know I'm fat- that is why I am working on it. That is why I joined GHSTL for the girls BJJ class, to help me be a better me. To get into any shape other than "ghetto booty" and most of all, to learn how to arm bar the creepy chubby chasers...

Bleh...I think I just threw up in mouth a little... ok back to the story... you know about being cool with failing until I find the right moves for me...so as the words "she's too heavy" rang in my head and was shooting bullet holes into my already fragile self esteem, I also had to remember how far I've come. I have to be cool with losing the weight slowly, even when it feels like I'm failing at my diet/life transormation/bringing the sexy back/whatever you call it- because I'm not seeing faster results (afterall celebrities lose all that baby weight in 6 weeks...right?). I have to be cool with the progress and with the PROCESS. The progress of how far I've come and with process of finding that better me. (and finding the best way to arm bar the crap out of the creeper pictured above...just sayin.) 

The journey continues...

Natalie